I hate the saying, it can’t get worse, because these past few weeks have shown me, that it can in fact get worse and as a result, I’m writing this in a very dark place. When I started this blog, I knew I wanted to be completely transparent and post how I feel so others can understand and can relate to me. The past 2 weeks have been the worst I have ever had. I have spent a lot of my time crying, and being sad and feeling as if I’m drowning. To a point where I felt numb because there was so much in my head and so much to think about. My mental health has plummeted to the worst it has ever been, and I felt more depressed than I ever had before. Not only was my mental health crumbling, I had worries and problems with my family. Everything seemed to be crumbling at once for me. I remembered joking about the fact it all started when I bought a new necklace and it must have been cursed, but wearing it or not, nothing got better.
I’m not ashamed to say that this has been my rock bottom. I have considered, almost daily, dropping out of uni and looking for another path to go on. Maybe try a different course, or not go back to uni at all. But then, the thought of dropping out was more stressful than trying to get through this hard place. As much as I love uni, I never thought it would be this hard. And it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one that has been close to dropping out. I told people I was thinking of dropping out and they greeted me with “yeah, I’ve been there too”.
It’s easy to put on a front. I’m sure most of the people I go to uni with and see on a daily basis had no clue I was at this point. I tell jokes instead and smile and try and fit in the best I can. I don’t show it on my face, I don’t want to. I don’t like putting the horrible things in my head into other people’s, it’s like I’m giving them a disease. It’s when I wasn’t in uni, doing work or talking to people that I felt the weight, or lack of, in my brain. My brain has mostly been fuzzy the past few weeks, not being able to put a finger on what is wrong or how to change it. But for me, the worst part is not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, not seeing a way out to where I am.
The uni stress will go, deadline after deadline will fly by and the stress will ease off because it will be done. But the stresses and problems in my brain don’t have a deadline. They don’t have a time when they need to be sorted by or when I can finally wave them goodbye like I do with my essays. And that’s what is the most upsetting. It’s like I am stuck in the dark and can’t find the light switch, because there isn’t one. And it’s parts like this that make me feel I’m not normal and I can’t juggle uni and have a normal life.
I wish I didn’t have to see my friends and people at uni when I’m in this dark and cloudy place. Because I can’t tell them when it will be over. I cant tell them when I will be me again and when I will be happy again and not in this sad place. For my family, it’s easier to know they will still be there at the end of the bad patch, but friends are not the same. And that’s hard for me and for them. It makes me a distant and difficult person. I feel bad telling people who know my mental health past what is going on with me at this moment because I feel that I have already put so much on them before that maybe I should talk to someone else about it or no one at all. Maybe the distance from people will mean I won’t have to explain how I feel now because then I can go back to them me again and not worry about how I act when I’m sad. I do things I can’t explain, I say things that don’t have a reason for and I become a different me. And I know, that eventually, this is will pass, but I don’t know when. And I can’t tell people when, which must be hard for them too.
I know this is heavy stuff, but I haven’t been able to post in so long because I haven’t been feeling good, and I’m still not good but I know it’s okay. I feel okay to not be okay. And I wanted to know how my bad patches look. Because people’s may look completely different to mine or you might understand the actions I do and be able to relate them to you. I want to be able to look back at this post and feel happy, because instead of being in the tunnel in the dark, I will be stood in the light looking into the dark place that I used to be in.