(I wrote this a few weeks ago but still thought I would share. Hope you all enjoy!)
Pleasing people is a very small act. It can be as much as holding the door open for them or giving them a smile. But for ‘people pleasers’ like me, it’s very hard to have someone not like you. Ever since I was little, I have been a people pleaser. Always agreeing to things (like plans) or saying whatever to make someone happy, even if it won’t make me happy. However, I never grew out of that mentality, in fact, it’s worse now I’m older. I constantly read people’s tones of voice, people’s body language and watch how they are with other people in comparison to me. The harsh reality that I have to face is that, I’m sure lots of people don’t like me secretly (or not so secretly) and sometimes no amount of apologising or asking what you have done is going to change that. No one is perfect. And I know for a fact that I’m not at all. And that’s just the truth. I say things that will upset people, I will do things that make people feel like I’m not a good person to them. But you can not live trying to make everyone happy except yourself.
The truth is, I drive myself to hell and back a lot of the time because I always think about the people who don’t like me. Because I never, ever want to upset anyone. It’s hard when you have a feeling that someone doesn’t like you or is annoyed by you and then you feel like you should be extra nice to them to show them you care about them but instead you are just annoying them. This is something I do everyday, and I mean EVERYDAY. And it’s hard, but as they say, something worth having is never easy to get.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person alive that constantly has a vhs in my head and I just keep rewinding to watch what I have done to justify why people act the way they do with me, positive or negative. I constantly think about everything I do and say, just another part of me I guess. I try to put it out of my head and think of something else, but easier said than done. It’s almost like telling someone that has a snake around its throat to just think of something else, it’s not that easy. But just know, if you find the voices in your head sound like the ones I am describing, then you aren’t the only one hearing them, which can sometimes be very comforting.
But what I need to start doing is looking at the people who do like me, and appreciating that. Show them how important they are to you and how you are thankful for them. It’s hard when you focus on the bad to see the good, but I think if it happens gradually, it’s an improvement on the way you feel at the moment. And no matter how cloudy or dark your days seem with the negative thoughts about yourself, just remember this very fitting quote from one of my favourite musicals:
‘Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise’.