For my first official blog post I thought I would talk about something that is the main problem in my life. Anxiety. It’s such a big word and such a generalised term today. People often say, ‘I feel so anxious’ or ‘that gives me anxiety’ and I always wonder if those words mean the same to them as they do to me. To me, anxiety consumes my every thought. I think about EVERYTHING. I can’t even begin to describe what I overthink or what I think about everyday because I would be listing every thought that ever enters my head, and there would be about 4 million an hour. Even writing this post I’m worried about if people will think I am being rude or if I’m not being compassionate to how they experience anxiety but I can never make everyone happy.
Day to day, I can keep my anxiety attacks at bay. However, when its bad, its bad. The anxiety attacks are such a minuscule part of my anxiety, which is something that most people don’t understand. I have ‘blips’ (as me and my mum call them) almost everyday, in which if I didn’t control it, it would form into a soul sucking anxiety attack, but over the years, I have got quiet good at keeping them quiet. The hardest part is planning and re-evaluating. I plan every minute of my day, it keeps me calm and keeps me sane. And its hard to describe that to friends and family. It’s hard to explain why I need to have a plan, or need to be there early, or why I eat at certain times and in certain places, why I can’t be spontaneous. It’s hard being a 19 year old uni student and not enjoying nights out and not going because my thoughts keep me ‘safe’ at home and as a result, I look boring (which I probably am).
And for re-evaluating, I constantly watch my every move and re-think every word I say. I always think I am the enemy (which I may be to some people) in every situation I am in. My anxiety has made me an expert in reading people and their mannerisms to see the slightest change towards me. As a result, I think I am the cause and immediately jump to saying sorry, just to make sure I haven’t done anything. Its hard to constantly battle with your conscious and constantly make you re-evaluate if people really like you or if they talk about how they can’t stand you when you leave the room. I wouldn’t wish those thoughts on anyone.
Thats the biggest thing. I always used to say to my mum “I wish I was normal” or “I wish I was like everyone else” because I don’t feel like a ‘normal’ teenager (whatever that means). I feel abnormal because I think the way I do or act the way I do and all I do to explain that to the people close to me is I apologise. I always say sorry when I probably don’t need to, just to remind them that I wish my brain didn’t work this way either and I know it is inconvenient or annoying but I cant change it, as much as I wish I could.
I hope this post wasn’t too dark or sad for anyone, I hope it helped and I hope it made you feel that you are a bit more ‘normal’ (whatever that means).